Moe Shuns, Esq. at Your Service! Vol. IV (Apr. 2011)

Hi again, law students! I hope finals aren’t eating you alive. I understand that at this time of the semester, studying takes priority over everything, be it personal hygiene, social outings or even the leisurely reading of a “humor” article in a law school newspaper. With an emphasis on answering your questions about this crazy time of year, let’s get to it!

I’m a 2L and having a bit of trouble balancing my studies for finals and my family life. I have a small family (wife and 5-year-old daughter) and it’s sometimes hard to get them to understand that I really can’t be bothered with their often-trivial problems. As bad as that makes me sound, I know it’s only for a few more weeks. What exactly should I say or do?

You’ve stumbled upon an invaluable experience: the art of delegating unwanted duties to people lower on the totem pole. But I’m not just talking about having your wife do the garbage this week instead of you. No, I’m thinking big picture. What’s your easiest class? It’s probably something like Law and Cinema or the Art of Bullcrap 101. If the final for the class is a paper, have your wife do it in between running errands. If it’s a multiple choice exam, have your daughter fill in the little bubbles. (Everyone gets Bs for multiple choice exams anyway.)  Now you can finally start concentrating on your finals that actually matter.

And what’s nice is that your family will finally thank you for involving them in your life more! Actually, the best part is you can keep doing this well into your legal career! Eventually your daughter will be able to “graduate” from proof of service forms to legal writings (e.g., motions, memoranda).  If anything, I encourage you right this instant to embiggen[1] your family so that you can have a few more paralegals on your side.

So we lost our law school intramural quarterfinal softball game and once again failed in attaining our goal of a league championship. Our third baseman was particularly to blame, being unable to field a routine groundball that would’ve ended the inning. Instead, we let in seven unearned runs. We’re friends off the field, but I am sick and tired of his hot-corner incompetence. How exactly can I gently tell him that his services are no longer needed?

This is indeed an area where you need to tread lightly. Luckily for you, I have the benefit of experience on my side. I can tell you this: Those ballplayers that aren’t good on the diamond? They’re even worse in the courtrooms and boardrooms! You think an error in a quarterfinal game is bad, wait till you see the same nincompoop make an error in front of the bench.

So really the only thing you might be concerned with is your so-called “friendship” with this regular Bill Buckner. And really, are you the type of law student who wants to associate with—gasp—other law students?! Now that’s comedy! Oh, you actually want advice? Well, there’s no shame in going all Tonya Harding on this third baseman. He’ll be so busy screaming “Why? Why? Why?” that he’ll completely forget to ask “Who? Who? Who?”

So as a practicing lawyer, what is summer like for you? Do you at least take a week off and let your mind and body recover from the daily grind? As a law student, knowing I’ll have maybe a week or two at the beginning and end of summer to decompress is a Godsend. Please tell me that we still get that nice break once we actually start our legal career.

Don’t worry, summer is always a hoot for ol’ Moe. Being the up-and-coming personal injury lawyer, I depend on the nice weather for an added “bump” to my clientele. Summer in San Diego means beach weather. So I like to go out to the beach before sunrise with a wheelbarrow full of glass shards mixed with my very own business cards. I then scatter the wheelbarrow’s contents all along the shore, like a modern-day Johnny Appleseed, spreading joy and litigious opportunities to all!

While I know people may think this “unethical’ or “downright disturbing,” put me in front of a jury and I’ll make sure Mangled Feet v. City of San Diego comes out in favor of the “innocent” victim. I can hear the late-night TV commercials now: “Do you suffer from mangled-foot syndrome as a result of the city’s negligence in keeping our beaches clean? Call me, Moe Shuns!”

Questions, comments, insults, whatever—all are welcome. Just send ‘em off to motions@sandiego.edu and give Moe your own two cents.

[1] Fear not. This is a perfectly cromulent word.